Because of the pain, I have anxiety. The brain sees pain and anxiety as the same thing. It is filtered the same way. Don't believe me? Go ahead and stub your toe really hard. Okay, feel that "drop" in your stomach and the "rush" of adrenal sensation? Now feel the tingle shakiness?

Okay, now wait a few minutes. Do you feel better? Good. But imagine that initial feeling all the time, day and night, day in and day out, all week, all month, all year. For decades. I doubt you can, but I can because I have lived that.

That feeling then I was in class, when I was talking to friends, when I had to give a report in school, when I was asked to read in Sunday School class, when I tried to sleep, when I was pregnant, when I had a toddler and was pregnant again. When I drove. When I worked, when I made decissions. When I talked to my children. Every moment of every day and get this, no one knew!

I mean, everyone knew here was something "wrong" with me, but no one including me knew what exactly that was. No one even knew generally what it was. I was told I had "depression without depressive thoughts", that I was "bipolar", that I was just "having one of her [my] fits".

I was told to "quit acting" and I couldn't understand why people didn't understand me. My "emotions ran high" or I was an "odd bird". I was "high strung" and 'nervous". I was the person no one wanted around.

I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I tried so hard to be a good friend, daughter, wife, mother ect. but still, no one wanted me around.

The pain was so consistent that I thought it was normal for everyone to feel like I did. I couldn't imagine anyone not hurting somewhere or everywhere all the time. Pain free was beyond my comprehension.

It took decades before a doctor figured out I had anxiety, not depression. And even more years before any doctor mentioned Fibromyalgia to me. I was about fourty-five. Then it took 2 years to get the right combination of medication. Then I had to move from Kansas to Georgia and it took about a year for Georgia doctors to get me back on my right formula. And now still I have trouble every year about one medication or another.

So I still feel like I have a finger in a light socket most of the time. In fact I am so sensitive my skin can feel the slightest change in the weather. I can tell if the temperature drops two degrees. I can fee a tiny breeze caused by someone walking by.

At the same time my brain is on overload and can't process most things like remembering what tv shows I liked and when (where) to watch them. I forget what I'm doing or where my (pick any object) is. I can't remember names for common things like hair brush or pickle. I get frustrated easy. I get overloaded easy.

I can't stand the tv section of a store. All that [makes hand motions] moving around hurts me. Yes, hurts. It's called Allodynia and that means that things that shouldn't cause pain, causes pain. And there's another (I forget the word) symptom under fibro that means my pain is always at a  higher level than average pain.

But back to stores. There is too much going on in a store, too many advertisements, too much colors/designs, too many people moving around. It all hurts. And that's not counting the way the floor makes my back/legs/feet hurt! Then there's the fear that people will bump into me and hurt me, or I will fall (I get overbalanced easy). Or that I have to talk to someone and they will see me as crazy because I forget words or I am somehow different because I'm in pain.

See, pain is like water. Sometimes it's good; don't put your hand in the fire. But for those of us with constant pain it's like the Colorado River cutting the Grand Canyon. It's deep and harsh and cutting and wild. It takes over and it takes away part of you all the time. And dealing with that pain is exhausting!

Any time I am out in public, talking to anyone, I feel this fear. Remember the stubbed toe? Imagine that feeling again, but now you are talking to people you know or don't know, it doesn't matter, what matters is, you can not let them see how much pain you are in. One, you can't even process how much pain you are in and two, you can't go acting like like you stubbed your entire body all the time...well, you could but you would get locked up in a nut house.

So, that is a little bit about how I feel when I meet you in public and try to have a normal conversation. If I manage to pull it off, I still go home and worry I said or did something wrong. I know for years people thought I was special needs. I had friends tell me people who were in class with me or met me somewhere asked them if I was special needs (not exactly the polite words, but the same meaning).

This is just a little sliver of the pie of what I deal with. Be kind to people. You never know what they are dealing with.

     Two weeks ago I was in a flare. A week long horrible even that made me unhappy to be alive. It felt as if I had a bad case of the flu, the never ending flu. I felt as if my nerves were being scrubbed with a Brillo pad. I was tired & restless, sleepy & anxious, sore all over & couldn't get comfortable. My hair touching my shoulders hurt. My eyelids hurt! I was in a haze of pain. There was no spot of me that didn't hurt.


     I didn't want to live if living was like that.


     Thank God (and meds) that I am better. During this flare I was also out of Lyrica, a medication for nerve pain in fibromyalgia (paperwork problem not my fault). Either the flare was because of that or made worse because of that. Either way it was a rough week.


     Now that I am getting past the flare, I feel so much better than I did. Even though I am still in pain, I told my doctor, that if I could I would have danced a jig I was so relieved to be out of the flare.

     Now that I am just past the flare I can see how much better I do feel. I am not pain free, or symptom free, but I am blessed I am not in flare mode all the time like I was for decades. For that I thank God!

Hello spring means hello allergies!
Stuffiness, runny eyes and noses, allergy film in eyes, allergy bumps in eyes, sore nose and throat, headache, dizziness, sneezing, coughing,sore lungs/ribs, bronchitis & pneumonia at least.
So yeah, hello Spring. So glad you could make it. =P

Sometimes I post/tweet/blog because Im in so much pain that I know I need someone else to remember my life for me. 

Sometimes I post/tweet/blog because Im in so much fatigue that I know I need someone else to remember my life for me. 

Sometimes I post/tweet/blog because Im in so much brain fog that I know I need someone else to remember my life for me.

It's not ego that leads me to share it's the very real, tested truth that I often can't remember my life.  

I walk a tightrope over a chasm of viscus depression and one misstep with my thoughts, my behavior, my medication, illness or anything else can cause me to tumble into that depression.

This is my life.

The tightrope stretches from before I was born (because I believe life begins before birth) to sometime in the future when I will die. It represents my life.

Depression is below me in all eternity. It is bottomless and endless below me. It is always there. If I can't maintain the balance I fall.

I struggle to keep all the big and little bits of my life in balance so I don't fall. I always know in the back of my mind I can fall any minute. If I fall I will be pulled under the thick black sticky mess. I will slowly (or quickly) drown in depression. And balance is almost always dependent on something out of my control.

I walk with a balancing stick that is like the bar on a set of scales. If one thing on either end of the balance changes I risk falling. The balance holds my medications, my body's reaction to medications, illnesses, thoughts, fatigue, weather changes, and anything else that might effect me in any way.

I'm still fighting infections, so there's that.
I feel like bugs are crawling on me, but there's nothing there.
I'm still waiting on disability.
I am having a lot of anxiety these days.
I hope I get back to blogging here soon.

Ear infection

I've had an ear infection the past few weeks (or months) and really can't afford the doctor...again. I went 2 weeks ago and got a zpack (I'm allergic to penicillin and sulfa). I could have called and told the doc that, but they don't work that way. Well, the zpack didn't totally get rid of the infection (I'm not surprised, my body hangs on to infections) so I still have an ear/jaw ache and still cant afford to go to the doctor again. I wish I could call and say, hey I still have that infection, give me another Rx for zpack and they would, but again, they don't work like that. And the zpack is almost the price of the doctor visit. Being sick sucks. Being broke sucks. Being sick and broke really sucks!