Because of the pain, I have anxiety. The brain sees pain and anxiety as the same thing. It is filtered the same way. Don't believe me? Go ahead and stub your toe really hard. Okay, feel that "drop" in your stomach and the "rush" of adrenal sensation? Now feel the tingle shakiness?

Okay, now wait a few minutes. Do you feel better? Good. But imagine that initial feeling all the time, day and night, day in and day out, all week, all month, all year. For decades. I doubt you can, but I can because I have lived that.

That feeling then I was in class, when I was talking to friends, when I had to give a report in school, when I was asked to read in Sunday School class, when I tried to sleep, when I was pregnant, when I had a toddler and was pregnant again. When I drove. When I worked, when I made decissions. When I talked to my children. Every moment of every day and get this, no one knew!

I mean, everyone knew here was something "wrong" with me, but no one including me knew what exactly that was. No one even knew generally what it was. I was told I had "depression without depressive thoughts", that I was "bipolar", that I was just "having one of her [my] fits".

I was told to "quit acting" and I couldn't understand why people didn't understand me. My "emotions ran high" or I was an "odd bird". I was "high strung" and 'nervous". I was the person no one wanted around.

I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. I tried so hard to be a good friend, daughter, wife, mother ect. but still, no one wanted me around.

The pain was so consistent that I thought it was normal for everyone to feel like I did. I couldn't imagine anyone not hurting somewhere or everywhere all the time. Pain free was beyond my comprehension.

It took decades before a doctor figured out I had anxiety, not depression. And even more years before any doctor mentioned Fibromyalgia to me. I was about fourty-five. Then it took 2 years to get the right combination of medication. Then I had to move from Kansas to Georgia and it took about a year for Georgia doctors to get me back on my right formula. And now still I have trouble every year about one medication or another.

So I still feel like I have a finger in a light socket most of the time. In fact I am so sensitive my skin can feel the slightest change in the weather. I can tell if the temperature drops two degrees. I can fee a tiny breeze caused by someone walking by.

At the same time my brain is on overload and can't process most things like remembering what tv shows I liked and when (where) to watch them. I forget what I'm doing or where my (pick any object) is. I can't remember names for common things like hair brush or pickle. I get frustrated easy. I get overloaded easy.

I can't stand the tv section of a store. All that [makes hand motions] moving around hurts me. Yes, hurts. It's called Allodynia and that means that things that shouldn't cause pain, causes pain. And there's another (I forget the word) symptom under fibro that means my pain is always at a  higher level than average pain.

But back to stores. There is too much going on in a store, too many advertisements, too much colors/designs, too many people moving around. It all hurts. And that's not counting the way the floor makes my back/legs/feet hurt! Then there's the fear that people will bump into me and hurt me, or I will fall (I get overbalanced easy). Or that I have to talk to someone and they will see me as crazy because I forget words or I am somehow different because I'm in pain.

See, pain is like water. Sometimes it's good; don't put your hand in the fire. But for those of us with constant pain it's like the Colorado River cutting the Grand Canyon. It's deep and harsh and cutting and wild. It takes over and it takes away part of you all the time. And dealing with that pain is exhausting!

Any time I am out in public, talking to anyone, I feel this fear. Remember the stubbed toe? Imagine that feeling again, but now you are talking to people you know or don't know, it doesn't matter, what matters is, you can not let them see how much pain you are in. One, you can't even process how much pain you are in and two, you can't go acting like like you stubbed your entire body all the time...well, you could but you would get locked up in a nut house.

So, that is a little bit about how I feel when I meet you in public and try to have a normal conversation. If I manage to pull it off, I still go home and worry I said or did something wrong. I know for years people thought I was special needs. I had friends tell me people who were in class with me or met me somewhere asked them if I was special needs (not exactly the polite words, but the same meaning).

This is just a little sliver of the pie of what I deal with. Be kind to people. You never know what they are dealing with.