I am alone

[for BLOG SEVEN]

 

This was written a few weeks ago and is not how I am feeling right now but I wanted to share it because I feel it's important. 

I am alone.

I have Fibro.

I have known for 1.5 years. I have not been pain free for the past 27 years. Hurting and not knowing why, not even able to verbally express how I felt, what was wrong other than I was tired put a strain on my life. In fact it destroyed it. Demolished. Shattered. Humpty Dumpty was I.

Eventually my body couldn't fight the pain. It was too worn down and the pain was too much to handle. I was mostly bedridden. I could sometimes be encouraged to do something but I would suffer for days or weeks after.

My husband told me I "was not fulfilling my duties as wife and mother” because I "wasn’t cleaning the house and watching the kids". He put me out (kept my things though) and I was left alone, sick with no one. My husband and daughter had said they bet I wouldn’t make it a month alone.

I almost didn’t live. At one point the doctor did tests and said I was “literally starving” and that my body was digesting it’s self. I wasn’t surprised. I could barely lift a plate or glass of tea with 2 hands. How could I shop and cook?! I had to buy thin plastic plates to be able to pick up a plate to eat. Cooking was a frozen pizza while I rested as it cooked. And that was once a day. I couldn’t do any more than that.

I was so sick by the Fibro and my broken heart missing my family I could hardly lift my head. I missed seeing my children so badly that I was having hours of physical blindness.

The walk to class that should have taken less than 5 minutes took me 20 to 30 and I would spend all of class exhausted and resting for the walk back home.  I didn’t go out, I had no energy to.

The Fibro Fog was so bad it didn't take long for anyone who had spoken to me to avoid me. I don't have any friends, I was too odd. People thought I was special needs mentally. I am actually ... well I was very intelligent. Long ago. As a child. Now I can’t think of common words or forget what I'm talking about as I talk. I forget what I'm gonna say all the time. Not once in a while. All the time!

After checking on the computer what day it was, I would look at a notebook to see what I like to watch on tv that night. I couldn't remember. Even after weeks of the same show coming on at the same time on the same channel. I had my phone to alarm to tell me to get ready for class, what class and when it was time to go. Every day. Because even after weeks (months) of the same schedule I couldn't remember. Don't even ask me what your name is. I could not remember if my life depended on it. I have literally forgotten my own name.

I believe my brain was so overloaded with pain that nothing else could fit in there.

Who would want to spend time with someone who was in bed and tired all the time? (Of course had my family loved me, they would have gotten me medial help.) Who would want to spend time with someone who can barely walk? who cant remember your name after years of classes together? Who can't go out? Can’t do anything? Hurts all the time? Says random crap? Can’t remember everyday words? Who's family threw them away? How is that for an endorsement? My own child threw me away; put me out of her life and will never speak me to again. Yeah, who wants that person for a friend?

As I said: I am alone.